| Any of these items and more are part of
their plan to keep you and continue to control your
life. |
|
|
| ____
Start Saving Money |
|
An emergency fund, no matter
how small, is a good start to changing your life. |
| |
 | Write checks for a
few dollars over the amount |
|
| Recycle pop cans |
|
| Baby-sit and don't
report the full amount received |
|
| Ask your family
for financial support |
|
| Empty the abuser's
pockets before laundering and keep the change |
|
| Hide your money |
|
| Start your own
savings account, preferably at another bank |
|
|
|
| ____
Gathering Paperwork |
|
It is necessary to have
copies of important documents and information put in a
safe hiding place that you can retrieve quickly.
You may want to include: |
| |
| Social Security
card |
|
| Tax returns from
the last three years |
|
| Birth certificates |
|
| Marriage license |
|
| Titles of
properties |
|
| Car titles |
|
| List of debts and
bills - include the amount you owe and monthly due
dates |
|
| Have an extra key
to your house, car, and a list of telephone numbers
in your purse/wallet |
|
|
|
____
Suitcase Packed |
|
When it is time to leave you
probably won't have time to pack your necessities.
This is why it is important to have a suitcase with
change of clothes, toiletries, your children's items,
food that will not spoil, and anything you feel you
would need to get by temporarily until it is safe for
you to retrieve the rest of your belongings. |
|
|
It is also important to have
this hidden from your partner but accessible to you.
This may mean keeping it at a friends, hiding it in
house, garage, barn, woods, etc. If you are
worried your partner will notice a suitcase missing, try
borrowing a friends or picking one up at Goodwill for a
couple of dollars. Emergency items are provided by
shelters if there is no time to plan. |
|
|
____
Making Transportation and Living
Arrangements |
|
If you don't have a car: |
| |
| Have a friend or
neighbor pick you up |
|
| Contact family
members |
|
| Ask members of a
church - often church members will help people in
crisis even if they don't attend their
congregation |
|
| Call a taxi or
take a bus |
|
| Contact Seeds of
Hope |
|
|
|
|
If you don't know where you
can go, consider these options: |
| |
| Family Members |
|
| Friend's House |
|
| Churches |
|
| Women's
shelter/safe homes |
|
|
|
|
Deciding the
Right Time to Leave |
|
For some victims there is
not time to plan. Their partner is abusing them at
that instant and they know if they don't leave now, them
may be killed. For other victims, they can see the
warning signs that they will soon be battered again. |
|
|
The best way to decide when
to leave is to look at your abuser's lifestyle.
Try to pick a time when they will be away for the
longest duration. |
|
|
Here are some questions you
can ask yourself to help decide: |
| 1) Does
your partner put long hours in at work? |
2)
Could you leave right after they do so you
won't be missed until they come home? |
| 3) How
much time will that give you? |
4) Does
your partner sometimes stop home unannounced or
call? |
| 5) If
you choose to leave during this time, you may want
to take the phone off the hook, so if they call,
they will get a busy signal. |
6) Does
your partner have weekly activities such as bowling,
basketball, or poker night? |
| 7)
Would leaving at night be an advantage to your
situation. Do they consume alcoholic
beverages? |
8) Do
you know where their favorite drinking establishment
is? |
| 9) Do
they open and close down the bar? |
10) How
much time will that give you? |
| 11)
Does your partner usually come home and pass out to
the point that nothing can disturb them? |
12)
Would this be the only time you have access to a
vehicle? |
|
|
|
It is also important to know
what to do if things don't go according to the plan. |
| |
| Have a signal
system with a neighbor in case you need help. |
|
| Remove any weapons
from the home. Learn to unload guns and hide
the ammunition in a separate place. Place
knives, scissors, letter openers and other sharp
objects in a hard to reach place. |
|
| Make a plan of
what you can do if the phone wires were cut or if
you find yourself without electricity.
|
|
| Know where the
closest pay phone is located and how to get there
- walking or driving. Where is the closest
all-night store. Go where there are people. |
|
| Develop a habit of
backing your car in the driveway. Leave the
driver's door unlocked (lock the other doors) so
you can quickly jump in and go. Make sure
your abuser doesn't block you in - try parking in
the street if the need arises. |
|
| Keep enough money
on you to pay for a cab to a safe place, and if in
a strange community, enough to pay for one or more
nights rent in a motel. Keep small change on
you for pay phones. |
|
|
|
|
Reasons to
Take the Children |
|
It is more complicated than
making it alone, but you can prepare for taking your
children with you when you leave your partner.
Remember, your children are probably going to be
terrified by the current or upcoming violence.
They may be less frightened at getting up and being
rushed away from a threatening parent than finding out
in the morning that you have disappeared without saying
good-bye. Even if your partner has never battered
the children, you can't be sure they won't start now,
especially when they discover you have left the house. |
| |
| Talk with your
children periodically about the importance of
safety. |
|
| Teach older
children to call a relative, friend, or police
when you hear or see violence. |
|
| If you have a
baby, tell your partner you hear him/her crying.
Take the baby out of the crib and go out a back
door. |
|
| If the events
happen so fast and you have to leave without the
children, arrange to go back for them as soon as
possible. Either pick them up at school or
return to the house with a police officer. |
|
|
|
|
If the children are with
you, there will be a better chance for custody than if
you leave them with their abusive parent, regardless of
reasons for leaving. |
|
|
I Have Left
My Partner, Now What? |
|
|
For many victims at this
point, it is still an uphill battle. They fear
they have angered their partner too much by leaving and
he/she may retaliate. It may be through stalking,
threats, using the children, destroying personal
possessions, or physical harm. However he tries to
manipulate you to regain the control he has
lost, it is important for you to remain strong and gain
back control of your life. You are in charge. |
|
|
The following is a checklist
of options to consider after you have left your partner: |
| |
|
| ___ |
Call
the Domestic Violence Project and get an advocate.
Their job is to support you and make sure you're
informed on the decisions you make for yourself. |
| ___ |
File
for a PRO-SE (No contact order) at the Clerk of
Court's office. You do not need a
lawyer. |
| ___ |
File
for public assistance at the Department of Human
Services. This can include health care, WIC,
food stamps, and resources for other helping
agencies and services. |
| ___ |
Get a
lawyer, Iowa State Bar Association has a volunteer
lawyer project. 1-800-532-1108. |
| ___ |
File
for low-income housing and register at Job Service. |
| ___ |
Attend
support groups for victims of domestic violence. |
| ___ |
Get
counseling for you and your children. |
| ___ |
Get a
post office box and change your mailing address. |
| ___ |
Call
the school and notify them of you and your partner's
separation. |
| ___ |
Alert
your neighbors to watch out for your safety. |
| ___ |
Change
your locks if you have returned to the house. |
| ___ |
Ask the
police to make it a routine of driving by your home. |
| ___ |
Keep a
log of when he contacts you: date, time, his
dialogue and your response. |
| ___ |
If you
have an answering machine, record his telephone
conversations with you. |
| ___ |
Do your
banking someplace different than your partner. |
|
|
