Battered Wives

Understanding the Syndrome

It was just a slap.  He apologized and said he'd never do it again.  But he did do it again, and the next time he hurt her.  She was confused.  In the years after that first slap, the violence escalated.  She was hospitalized twice, but she didn't leave.  She loved him, and he said he loved her and was always so sorry afterwards.  It's important to understand why she stayed and what she can do to break the cycle of battering.

Mixed Messages of Love & Violence

Most of us have a need to see only the good in people, especially the people we love.  When the "love" signal is mixed with the "violence" signal, it is very difficult to see the violence for what is.  This is especially true if the violence has gone on for long periods of time, or if there is a long period between violent episodes. 

Guilt and Blame Set In

We understand that, for effect, there is a cause.  Battered women often feel, or are made to feel, that they are to blame for their battering.  It is very difficult for them to place responsibility where it belongs--with the batterer.  Some people have said that a battered woman is very much like a prisoner of war, because she is often dependent on her batterer emotionally and physically.

Poor Self-Esteem Reinforced

A batterer is often verbally as well as physically abusive.  He may tell his victim that she is worthless, and that he is the only one who will  ever love her.  At the same time, he tells her that she doesn't deserve his love.  The batterer might also try to isolate his victim from the friendship of others, from participating in social activities, or from holding a job.  He wants total control.  He often achieves it  by beating down his victim's sense of self.

Economics Play a Role

Many women feel that they would not be able to make it on their own if they left the batterer, or if the batterer were jailed.  A woman may worry that that without a mate, she will not be able to support herself or her children.  These are very real concerns and must be addressed by any intervention.

Leaving the Batterer

A battered woman needs to talk to people who can help.  Friends and relatives can be supportive and helpful, sometimes providing emotional stamina, which the victim does not have for herself.  Community service agencies, especially battered women's shelters and women's advocacy groups, can help the battered woman leave her the destructive relationship and turn her life around

Help For Battered Women

Making the Change

Each of us approaches a given problem differently.  A woman who walks away from a violent relationship and takes charge of her own life, as well as the lives of her children, has to determine her own best course of action.  What helps to break the chain of violence?

Increased Self-Esteem

A woman who is battered needs to know that she is not to blame for her own battering,  and that she does not have to take it.  She needs to know that she is worthwhile,  deserves to be treated with respect, and can make changes in her life.  Above all, she deserves to be safe and happy.

Support From Others

The most effective help can come from other women who have escaped battering relationships. Talking with others who have experienced violence, and broken free, can be important to a woman as she considers making a change.

Emotional support from friends and relatives is also important.  However, understand that there might be people who don't believe the situation is serious, or who don't support the woman's efforts for other reasons, such as denying that her partner is violent.  Remember that the woman herself has to decide what's best for her.  If the situation calls for it, help from a professional counselor or therapy group might be appropriate.

Community Resources

Hotlines, social service agencies, community mental health centers, and hospital emergency rooms are all possible sources of information and support.  Emotional and practical support is available from local women's advocacy groups and women's shelters.  They can help deal with emergency planning, transportation, temporary shelter, and the court system.

Seeds of Hope is a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault agency.  We serve Black Hawk, Hardin and Grundy counties.  We have a toll-free 24 hour hotline.  Call us at 1-888-746-HOPE.  We can help.